Posted: July 30, 2009 at 12:08 pm
From Jul 30, 2009
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel different now that I’m done. I haven’t received my diploma yet, but I know I will soon. I suppose I’m pretty excited that I don’t have any more homework to do. I mean, that’s freaking fantastic, but… it hasn’t sunk in at this point.
I’m done. I’m done with my final final. I’m absolutely getting an A in my History & Systems class, and I’ll likely get an A or a B in my Research Methods II class. Cool.
I still have yet to decide if I’m going to walk. The ceremony will be in December. There’s a good possibility that I will, simply because it’s an excuse to have another party. We’re throwing a party at the end of August, and it’ll be a pig roast. A three day open house pig roast. That’s pretty exciting. And now I’ll have time to clean up the house before it starts. Hee hee.
I’m unofficially undecided about my master’s program. Ultimately, any way I look at it, I’m probably going to only need two years before that’s completed. And we’ve seen just how quickly the last two years have flown by… I mean, this PerilouslyPreocious blog is almost two years old. I think my birthday here is in August. So, ultimately, whatever I decide to do, I’m almost there. And it’s highly unlikely that I’m not going to do the masters… so. I just don’t know yet.
I suppose in the next month I’ll discover what it’s like to begin to pay back my student loans. I wonder if there’s a place where I can get a pay increase to cover that! Ha! I wonder if there’s a likelihood that I’ll get a raise at work. Who knows, really? Am I supposed to create announcements? Should I call my grandparents?? *laughing*
So, here it is. I’m not going to think about school for at least two months before I make any decisions. I feel like I sort of have a break coming to me. Of course, I’m equally excited about researching the various program options. Really, the sky is the limit. I’ve been considering what kinds of “fun” classes I can take in the mean time. I think I want to find something online. Or stick with that Naropa program I keep going back to. Yeah, good luck in getting me to not think about school for two months.
One thing I REALLY want to accomplish in my break is that I want to write a book. It’s time, now.
I guess I’ll go call folks. I mean, that’s what I’m supposed to do, right?
Posted: July 25, 2009 at 12:07 pm
From Jul 25, 2009
And I suppose that’s a good thing. If life stopped for any of us, we’d all have a fair shot at the pause button and nothing would ever get done.
Amazingly, it continues, as I continue. I have continued to plod the ground in front of me, one foot in front of the other. And here I am, at this very present moment. Here. Now.
Reaching a goal is a wonderous thing. I’m not there yet, and honestly, until I get there– maybe even a few weeks after I’ve reached it, I will finally appreciate that the road I’ve come, with all of its massive roadblocks, with all of the difficulties I’ve whipped… I’ll finally be able to quit holding my breath. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing all this time. Holding it for the day that I can say, “I did it” whilst knowing that as long as I pushed forward, I would eventually get there.
Sadly, I feel like it’s such a wimpy accomplishment. Anyone can get their BA. Anyone at all. In the shadow of such magnificent hopes and dreams, I feel almost let down by my BA, sitting here quietly while the Medical School train leaves the boarding area, and I’m not on it. I suppose it’s somewhat similar to losing a dear friend. Everyone who has a mountain of goals may feel this way when they leave something in the dust to die.
Bittersweet are my emotions, though, because as sad as it is to go our separate ways, I know that this new path will provide for me the freedom to really do what I want. We are not here in this life to work. I know, it feels right to work, and work pays off immensely, but suddenly money isn’t in the forefront of my priorities. Nor is the prestige of being a doctor nor is… being taught how to prescribe pharmaceuticals. Somehow none of those things delight me any longer, and it’s by that measurement that I know that me and the MD/PhD program were really never as close as friends as I had thought.
It wasn’t a pipe dream to me. Along with the “it wasn’t arbitraries” and the glumness of passing up what was a perfectly lovely path for myself, I realize that sometimes we have to make the difficult decisions, not because of what other people desire, but for what *I* need from this experience. I am compassionate, and hopefully in return, there will be plenty of compassion dashed upon my own head, for the disappointments and new priorities, and everything I decide to do here.
At the same time, it’s not disappointment if I feel more amazing than I’ve felt in a millennium. I *know* that where I’m going is the right path for me, even if the map is faded and the lines haven’t entirely been drawn in yet. I *know* that giving myself the freedom to create something beautiful is going to be far more rewarding than any other dream I could present for myself. To create my life precisely as I wish it to be… all this has taught me is that I have a significantly greater amount of learning to do in this life than I had originally believed. And I’m not just okay with this, I embrace it. I want to know and learn and grow. I suppose to be honest with myself is to say that I don’t think that the MD/PhD route would have given me that opportunity. Instead of being closed into a box that allows for only Western medical treatment would have been a very sad place to be.
I want to use my imagination. I want to find healing and health and all of the wonderous pieces of this life puzzle that I can possibly reach in this short amount of time I will be here. And it IS rather short. Yet I’ve never felt that the task at hand was a daunting one. Rather than acting out of fear, this is bravery. It is so powerful that there’s nothing and no one that can alter the path but myself.
I feel like I’m eighteen again. Invincible. Yet, with a huge dose of humility and understanding. Fearless, yet less proud. I realize that there are many things I will do. And this, my friends, is one of them.
Posted: July 22, 2009 at 11:12 am | Tags: graduating from college, it's worth the time, working hard on a college degree
From Jul 22, 2009
Not that anyone’s counting.
I’m done with my History & Systems of Psychology class. Now I only need to finish my Research Methods II class. I’m destined to get a B in the class… Which isn’t terrible considering I REFUSE to study these days. The H&S class is certainly going to be an A, for which I’m incredibly thankful.
I can’t believe it’s over. I almost feel so burned out that instead of going out with a bang-em-up-giddy sort of goodness, I’m sort of fizzling out. It’s like I’m saving up all of my energy for after I’m done, so that I can get on with living.
Seriously. This is it. It’s done. It’s so done.
Surreal. I can’t wait to get back into playing the piano. I can’t wait to do my arts and crafts, like friendship bracelet tying. And cooking. And everything else I’m interested in doing. I can’t wait to start running again, and I’m eager to discover yoga. I can’t wait to write and write and write. I want to pour my heart out on these pages like I once did before. I can’t wait.
I can’t wait to begin my next educational adventure. I can’t wait for graduate school at Naropa– like-minded individuals, I welcome you into my experience. I can’t wait to focus energy onto my diet and begin making personal products, like my own deodorant and accessories, etc. I can’t wait.
I can’t wait to begin living again. For so long, I had put everything on hold. For too long, really. I mean, yes, I lived some, but not enough. Not enough to satisfy my social cravings. Time with friends will soon be massaging my joy. I can’t wait.
So close. So very close. I can’t believe it’s here already. It’s so surreal.
