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Life before Life

From Aug 17, 2009

Life is so goddamned bittersweet.

Joyous birth of an adorable, healthy child to a dear friend with whom I used to spend my every day… Devastating surgery for my divine and beautiful friend to remove the cancer from her body… Elation over finishing my degree, riddled with various “no’s” from the college, it’s almost unbelievable until I actually get the diploma in my eager hands… An amazing job with awesome benefits and extraordinary pay, that I can’t escape from quickly enough… A home life that is beyond any of my dreams… The constant energy drain that escapes me through parenting two brilliant and fascinating children…

Yes, it’s bittersweet.  And these emotions that accompany the simple act of BEing…  They are magnificent.  The highs and the lows define this existence with purity and rawness.  As much as I feel alien in this world, I am not alienated, and I wouldn’t have given up this experience of life here for anything.

Life, death.  The cycles of Earth, Summer, Winter…

I don’t remember what it was to be before I was born here, but if I was given an option, I’m sure glad I chose it.

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Guiltless nothing.

From Aug 10, 2009

I wonder if it’s normal that I feel simultaneously guilty for doing nothing and compelled to do more nothing.

Landon and I had the most magnificent wonderful few days off.  We did whatever we wanted, and it turned out to be less eventful than it would’ve had we been ten years younger.  Hell, five years younger, even.

It was perfect.

There are things I want to actively engage myself in.  I’m still recovering, though.  So, tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing nothing.