Life is so goddamned bittersweet.

Joyous birth of an adorable, healthy child to a dear friend with whom I used to spend my every day… Devastating surgery for my divine and beautiful friend to remove the cancer from her body… Elation over finishing my degree, riddled with various “no’s” from the college, it’s almost unbelievable until I actually get the diploma in my eager hands… An amazing job with awesome benefits and extraordinary pay, that I can’t escape from quickly enough… A home life that is beyond any of my dreams… The constant energy drain that escapes me through parenting two brilliant and fascinating children…

Yes, it’s bittersweet.  And these emotions that accompany the simple act of BEing…  They are magnificent.  The highs and the lows define this existence with purity and rawness.  As much as I feel alien in this world, I am not alienated, and I wouldn’t have given up this experience of life here for anything.

Life, death.  The cycles of Earth, Summer, Winter…

I don’t remember what it was to be before I was born here, but if I was given an option, I’m sure glad I chose it.

I wonder if it’s normal that I feel simultaneously guilty for doing nothing and compelled to do more nothing.

Landon and I had the most magnificent wonderful few days off.  We did whatever we wanted, and it turned out to be less eventful than it would’ve had we been ten years younger.  Hell, five years younger, even.

It was perfect.

There are things I want to actively engage myself in.  I’m still recovering, though.  So, tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing nothing.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel different now that I’m done.   I haven’t received my diploma yet, but I know I will soon.  I suppose I’m pretty excited that I don’t have any more homework to do.  I mean, that’s freaking fantastic, but… it hasn’t sunk in at this point.

I’m done.  I’m done with my final final.  I’m absolutely getting an A in my History & Systems class, and I’ll likely get an A or a B in my Research Methods II class.  Cool.

I still have yet to decide if I’m going to walk.  The ceremony will be in December.  There’s a good possibility that I will, simply because it’s an excuse to have another party.   We’re throwing a party at the end of August, and it’ll be a pig roast.  A three day open house pig roast.  That’s pretty exciting.  And now I’ll have time to clean up the house before it starts.  Hee hee.

I’m unofficially undecided about my master’s program.  Ultimately, any way I look at it, I’m probably going to only need two years before that’s completed.  And we’ve seen just how quickly the last two years have flown by… I mean, this PerilouslyPreocious blog is almost two years old.  I think my birthday here is in August.  So, ultimately, whatever I decide to do, I’m almost there.  And it’s highly unlikely that I’m not going to do the masters… so.  I just don’t know yet.

I suppose in the next month I’ll discover what it’s like to begin to pay back my student loans.  I wonder if there’s a place where I can get a pay increase to cover that!  Ha!  I wonder if there’s a likelihood that I’ll get a raise at work.  Who knows, really?  Am I supposed to create announcements?  Should I call my grandparents??  *laughing*

So, here it is.  I’m not going to think about school for at least two months before I make any decisions.  I feel like I sort of have a break coming to me.  Of course, I’m equally excited about researching the various program options.  Really, the sky is the limit.  I’ve been considering what kinds of “fun” classes I can take in the mean time.  I think I want to find something online.  Or stick with that Naropa program I keep going back to.  Yeah, good luck in getting me to not think about school for two months.

One thing I REALLY want to accomplish in my break is that I want to write a book.  It’s time, now.

I guess I’ll go call folks.  I mean, that’s what I’m supposed to do, right?

And I suppose that’s a good thing.  If life stopped for any of us, we’d all have a fair shot at the pause button and nothing would ever get done.

Amazingly, it continues, as I continue.  I have continued to plod the ground in front of me, one foot in front of the other.  And here I am, at this very present moment.  Here.  Now.

Reaching a goal is a wonderous thing.  I’m not there yet, and honestly, until I get there– maybe even a few weeks after I’ve reached it, I will finally appreciate that the road I’ve come, with all of its massive roadblocks, with all of the difficulties I’ve whipped… I’ll finally be able to quit holding my breath.  Which is exactly what I’ve been doing all this time.  Holding it for the day that I can say, “I did it” whilst knowing that as long as I pushed forward, I would eventually get there.

Sadly, I feel like it’s such a wimpy accomplishment.  Anyone can get their BA.  Anyone at all.  In the shadow of such magnificent hopes and dreams, I feel almost let down by my BA, sitting here quietly while the Medical School train leaves the boarding area, and I’m not on it.  I suppose it’s somewhat similar to losing a dear friend.  Everyone who has a mountain of goals may feel this way when they leave something in the dust to die.

Bittersweet are my emotions, though, because as sad as it is to go our separate ways, I know that this new path will provide for me the freedom to really do what I want.  We are not here in this life to work.  I know, it feels right to work, and work pays off immensely, but suddenly money isn’t in the forefront of my priorities.  Nor is the prestige of being a doctor nor is… being taught how to prescribe pharmaceuticals.  Somehow none of those things delight me any longer, and it’s by that measurement that I know that me and the MD/PhD program were really never as close as friends as I had thought.

It wasn’t a pipe dream to me. Along with the “it wasn’t arbitraries” and the glumness of passing up what was a perfectly lovely path for myself, I realize that sometimes we have to make the difficult decisions, not because of what other people desire, but for what *I* need from this experience.   I am compassionate, and hopefully in return, there will be plenty of compassion dashed upon my own head,  for the disappointments and new priorities, and everything I decide to do here.

At the same time, it’s not disappointment if I feel more amazing than I’ve felt in a millennium.  I *know* that where I’m going is the right path for me, even if the map is faded and the lines haven’t entirely been drawn in yet.  I *know* that giving myself the freedom to create something beautiful is going to be far more rewarding than any other dream I could present for myself.  To create my life precisely as I wish it to be… all this has taught me is that I have a significantly greater amount of learning to do in this life than I had originally believed.  And I’m not just okay with this, I embrace it.  I want to know and learn and grow.  I suppose to be honest with myself is to say that I don’t think that the MD/PhD route would have given me that opportunity.  Instead of being closed into a box that allows for only Western medical treatment would have been a very sad place to be.

I want to use my imagination.  I want to find healing and health and all of the wonderous pieces of this life puzzle that I can possibly reach in this short amount of time I will be here.  And it IS rather short.  Yet I’ve never felt that the task at hand was a daunting one.  Rather than acting out of fear, this is bravery.  It is so powerful that there’s nothing and no one that can alter the path but myself.

I feel like I’m eighteen again.  Invincible.  Yet, with a huge dose of humility and understanding.  Fearless, yet less proud.  I realize that there are many things I will do.  And this, my friends, is one of them.

Not that anyone’s counting.

I’m done with my History & Systems of Psychology class.  Now I only need to finish my Research Methods II class.  I’m destined to get a B in the class…  Which isn’t terrible considering I REFUSE to study these days.  The H&S class is certainly going to be an A, for which I’m incredibly thankful.

I can’t believe it’s over.  I almost feel so burned out that instead of going out with a bang-em-up-giddy sort of goodness, I’m sort of fizzling out.  It’s like I’m saving up all of my energy for after I’m done, so that I can get on with living.

Seriously.  This is it.  It’s done.   It’s so done.

Surreal.  I can’t wait to get back into playing the piano.  I can’t wait to do my arts and crafts, like friendship bracelet tying.  And cooking.  And everything else I’m interested in doing.  I can’t wait to start running again, and I’m eager to discover yoga.  I can’t wait to write and write and write.  I want to pour my heart out on these pages like I once did before.  I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to begin my next educational adventure.  I can’t wait for graduate school at Naropa– like-minded individuals, I welcome you into my experience.  I can’t wait to focus energy onto my diet and begin making personal products, like my own deodorant and accessories, etc.  I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to begin living again.  For so long, I had put everything on hold.  For too long, really.  I mean, yes, I lived some, but not enough.  Not enough to satisfy my social cravings.  Time with friends will soon be massaging my joy.  I can’t wait.

So close.  So very close.  I can’t believe it’s here already.  It’s so surreal.

Everything is coming along nicely.  I have my newest site up and running, and it looks beeeaaaauuuyoutiful!

Special thanks to my special man who created my logo!

I still need to pick up some content, which will be relatively easy, especially by the end of this month.

Speaking of the end of this month… 19 days until I’m officially a graduate.   I’m looking into all kinds of options for my graduate career… In fact, I found a new opportunity today, through Clayton College of Natural Healing.  I think it would be really fantastic to learn more about herbalism, etc.  I don’t know that I necessarily need to have an actual degree to feel fulfilled, but it sure would be cool to allow my interests to flourish while I’m going through all this learning…

You know, the funniest part of all of these new opportunities?  I think it’s that I don’t really necessarily need to pick any one thing, and it doesn’t particularly matter to me what anyone _else_ thinks I ought to do.

Also, I’m becoming increasingly agitated (not to be confused with irritated, necessarily) over academia’s view of holistic health and healing.  I mean, obviously you have to have a critical mind (duh), but having a critical mind doesn’t mean you discredit anything that strays from the Western means of thinking.

Similar to my views of religion, politics, and other cultural norms… I don’t think you have to accept everything you read/hear/learn, and you don’t have to practice everything you read/hear/learn… but that doesn’t mean you can’t approach new ideas without an open mind.  There are a lot of thinking, conscious people in this world.  And there are going to be a lot of ideas that work for some but not for all… taking that into consideration allows you to really embrace that every unique idea is worth something to someone.

That’s all.

It has become apparent that I am going through a major transition.  I am beginning to question everything I have known to be true.  Writing these words does not scare me like it might’ve many years ago.  In fact, isn’t that what this blog has been about all along?  Getting to know myself better… learning to understand me, learning to follow my heart towards the things that make me truly happy?

I believe I’ve moved beyond my initial state of shock from realizing that everything I was working towards was actually not what I desired any longer.  Since then, I have experienced an enormous amount of growth and learning.  Which is good, because had I stopped learning altogether, it likely would’ve been a flag waving furiously at me, “You’re not headed in the right direction!!!”

Quite the opposite, really.  I’ve given myself permission to delve into the spirituality and philosophy of life. I have been delving into the realm of spiritual healing, learning about esoteric arts and crafts, and poring over study guides that have taught me various pieces of the entire universal puzzle I’m currently putting together.  I’ve been listening to audio books by Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra.  I’ve been thinking about Traditional Chinese Medicine and massage, even.  I’m considering everything with an open mind.  If something doesn’t draw me closer, I consider it and move beyond it.

I believe that now my new goal is to be able to work from home.  Support myself from home.  The first thing that comes to mind is my ability to write.  Of course it sounds risky.  At the same time, it sounds blissful.  I’m coming across new opportunities, and new ideas– stuff that I never previously even thought about putting my time into.  With the assistance of my lovely man, I have a few new sites up… though none of them are even close to having actual content.  I will share them with you as soon as I can.

In one of those sites, I’m think of putting up an advice column.  Something to the likes of “Dear Abby” or something of that nature.  Along with that, I have a few ideas of books brewing in my head.  Just need to get all the details knocked out, and let it simmer for a while.

There really is no reason why I can’t sell books.  I mean, I’m guessing that those of you who read my blog regularly would certainly encourage such a thing?  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had a comment that says, “So, when are you going to write a book?”

To answer that question: soon.  Very soon.  Hopefully sooner than later.  I’m quite certain it’ll happen in a blink of an eye.  However, the priorities, until I am ready, are still: work, school, family.  I realize that these are backwards.  I see the error, and I’m positioning myself so that I can change them.  It’s not going to happen over night, but I can assure you it’ll happen soon.  Maybe I’m just assuring myself.

Honestly, I’m feeling rather peaceful at the moment.  I’ve taken so much time to come to terms with the things I’ve placed perfectly within my life that I’m now in a safe position to explore other things… like spirituality and philosophy.  Importantly, I’ve been giving myself a whole lot of room to think about what it is that I truly want from life.

Some things I have learned in only the last few weeks have been taken from Wayne Dyer’s version of the Tao te Ching, which is titled, ‘Change your Thoughts, Change your Life.’

Mind you, while I don’t wholly embrace the entire piece of work, I do find that there are several things that completely make sense.  For instance, discovering the art of allowing things and people to just BE.  This is very different from the pattern that we tend to follow within the Western culture. Here, we tend to strive to have a semblance of control over things, people, and what happens in our lives.  Instead of control, the Tao (Universe/god/fate/Mother Nature) tells us that we should be observers rather than directors.  Life happens perfectly without our assistance.

Another piece I’ve recently gained is the simple idea that we should resemble more the characteristics of water: humility (lowliness) and going with the flow.  Instead of puffing our egos upwards, we should be merciful and compassionate.  Instead of digging our heels in resistance, we should be calm and quiet.

Today, a particular item that struck a chord within me was the part where Dyer said (it’s an audio book) that wise men do not bite off huge chunks, they do not set major goals for themselves.  Instead, they move bit by bit, one foot in front of the other, giving themselves momentum instead of procrastination.  Instead of saying, “I’m going to medical school,”  I should have said, “I’m taking Organic Chemistry.”  I believe that a major part of my humbling experience of Changing My Mind About Med School comes from the place of tiring from a battle that was greater than me, one that left me exhausted and incapable of doing the things I _actually want_ to do.   I lost my momentum and grew exceedingly bored of the game, questioning (and thus throwing out) the very core of my life goals.

Now that I’ve come to this conclusion, I feel less compelled to immediately assert that I’ll be tackling my master’s at any one particular program.  I have one in mind, yes; but right now, I am finishing my bachelor’s degree.  That’s it.  Well, that and I’m being a parent and a full time employee and a life partner.  And between all those things, that is enough today.

The single greatest thing that led me to realize that my entire life’s direction was off course was the epiphany– that I was waiting to live.   If there was ever a true “sin” in life, it was that I had laid aside my personal needs for a time until  _after_ I was done accomplishing my goals.   Whether or not Changing My Mind was a step in the right direction, whether or not it was the Right Thing To Do… that is beside the point entirely (and it’s not like it’s something I couldn’t return to should I decide that’s what I want again).   The point is that I realized that NOW is the time to live.  I may not have any future opportunities.

In addition to coming to terms with my Change, I have recently had an eye-opening, brain-tweaking, reality-morphing change in perspective about life and the universe in general.  This particular epiphany came while finishing up reading Sophie’s World, which was assigned to us through our History & Systems of Psychology class.  At the very end of the book, the author talks about the Universe.  What factual information we (as a scientific community) have today is that a) the universe appears to mostly be made of much of the same elements and b) the universe appears to be expanding.  Considering the natural law of gravity, which no one has disproved yet, and which we’ve mastered to the point where we can fly in metal airplanes around the world in addition to being able to launch ourselves right out of the Earth’s atmosphere… well, it only makes sense that our world does in fact rotate around the sun, and that the other stars out there, complete with their own planetary bodies, etc., would be doing something at least the tiniest bit similar to that which our own solar system is doing.  And if we have all of these collections of stars and galaxies, which appear to be moving away from each other… well, it points to the idea that at one time there was an extraordinary explosion from one central point.   And in order to spit out that much mass at the rate that we’re currently moving… that implies one of two things:  A) The universe is constantly expanding from a central point and B) Eventually it’s a possibility that the universe might completely expand and  theoretically, using the force of gravity, contract and move back towards the center from whence it came.

Mind blowing, really, because if the universe were to collapse back upon itself, it would be faced with the same dilemma that originally caused the explosion/expulsion in the first place.  And all that IS would go back through the original means of creation/Big Bang, just as we did (at least) once before.

Now, this is all fine and brain dicing and stuff… especially because we certainly cannot have a capacity to understand anything on this sort of scale… hell, we have a difficult enough time considering our own individual impact on the tiny Earth we live on… let alone the scale of the expansion and collapse of the universe…

All of it leads me to question… if we are truly here, now… and we have confirmed to know that there is really a universe out there… that is moving… then we must ask ourselves, in the face of the eventual, inevitable DEATH of our planet, period: what is our purpose in worrying about the petty stuff today?!

The possibility of it begs me to question our purpose at all!  We are merely tiny, itty bitty creatures on this tiny, itty bitty, life-sustaining planet that we’ve named Earth.  When might only be the tiniest, perhaps nearly most insignificant fact in the reality of the entire scheme of existence.

Additionally, if there truly are as many stars out there as they say there are, it would be statistically impossible that only one planet in this universe could contain life.  The magnitude of this all makes me ask stupefying questions like, “Is there a God?” and “What the hell is our purpose, if any?”

Really, as much as an artist claims to see truth as it is, we shall (probably) never see our own purpose in the scheme on things.  Does an ant who hustles and bustles throughout the day see his purpose?  To an ant, his purpose is likely only to sustain the army.  Which it does, un-begrudgingly.  We think.

And what is our purpose?  I say it must be whatever we create it to be.  But what if it really IS all about the universe becoming aware of itself, much like many of the metaphysical thinkers would exclaim?  And if our existence is _all that awesome_ as it appears according to natural conclusion, regardless of how many other life-sustaining planets there are out there… does it really matter at all what, if anything, we do in our lifetimes?

Truly the mere suggestion that we have a history at all– let alone a history of violence and conquering… is laughable.  How insignificant.  The entire reality we have created is insignificant.  Useless.  Petty, and dramatic.

And yet, the cycle continues.  Whether we’re addressing the simple cycle of now, what we experience as monthly cycles, what we observe as near-century life cycles, if we’re talking about the massive cycle that Is Life… it isn’t changing.  It isn’t going anywhere.  It just Is.

I can’t believe we’re here.  Maybe we’re not.  And maybe there IS a God.  If there is, then I create it.  And it created me.  I’m just so confused!  What am I doing making this huge stink over things like “what I do with my life,”  really?!

Socially, I think I just went crazy a little.

Existentially, I think I made myself fail to exist for a moment, flickering in and out of reality.

Rationally, it doesn’t matter what I just did.  It, whatever ‘it’ is, continues.  Without my help.

I began my semester this Tuesday.  I got all three of the classes I wanted/needed. I’m in the science building again, after a full 6 month hiatus– last semester my classes were in the Psychology building.  I’ve missed my folks on the Chemistry floor!!

I ran into my former O Chem lab instructor.  She’s so rad and fabulous… and well, she loves me.  She asked me if I would be her TA this semester.  While I think it would be fun, I’m not sure I want an additional committment.  Either way, though, I’m going in to talk with her class and tell them how to succeed in her class.  It’s going to sound a little like this:  “Be motivated and organized.  She is not going to micromanage you, so don’t expect it.  Ask her for help, but be patient, because there’s probably going to be a line of people following her.  Use your classmates for direction… and DON’T take your lab notebook home.  Do the work in class. She’ll help you, and you can ask your classmates for guidance…”

My Analytical Chemistry teacher is the same for both lecture and laboratory.  This is a very good thing because the lecture and lab often go hand in hand with each other, and the teacher will know where we’re at in both places.  Also, that’s one fewer person to get to know– different teachers =different teaching styles = must learn different styles.   The teacher emphasized the importance of perfectionism, and I can totally roll with that. I’m a perfectionism queen.  He says, and I quote, “We don’t call it Anal Chem for nothing.”

Man, I thought I was being all sneaky and original calling it Anal Chem.  *shrug*  Oh well.  Like I said, I can play the perfectionist card like nobody’s business.

In other news, it looks like we’re going to switch up the kids’ schedules to where we have them every M-F, and their mom will have them on the weekends.  We’re going for consistency, which I think is wonderful.  And with her having them on the weekends, I will have ample time to do my homework.  And laundry.  Because those are two priorities designated for weekends.

Oh, and my other class- the online class– I’m ecstatic over.  It’s called Cultural Diversity in Health & Illness, and there are two books for me to read.  The one I picked up first is directed at people who work in the health care industry.  Score!  I am convinced that every person in my department NEEDS to read this one book.  It made such an impact on me that I dreamt about it last night.  Basically, it’s supposed to educate me on cultural generalizations that I will need to know when working in the health care of a diverse population of people.

Finally, and perhaps most interestingly, Lou has asked me to guest post on his blog.  I am ever so honored to be invited to post!  Lou is someone I respect immensely, and he has turned me on to so many of my favorite blogs!  You all know who you are!!!  Anyway, this was the first time I’ve ever guest posted. I was totally nervous!  I fretted and sweated and eeked out for a bit.  But alas, by now I’ve already posted it, and it’s set to actually go live on Friday (is that tomorrow?) at 12:01 AM.  So now it’s too late.  What’s done is done.  You better go read it and make sure it’s not terrible!!

Well, my pretties… It’s now time that I get back to business.  You’re welcome.  ;

SO… back to using my brain again.

Analytical Chemistry is like General Chemistry, only kicked up a notch.  I think.

Tonight’s lab had me staring at the manual, desperately trying to recall things I learned a few years ago in Gen Chem.  Which is fine.  I did well in Gen Chem.  I can pick it up again.  I just need to get back into that brain track.

Oh, and for the record, psychology classes are significantly easier than chemistry.  Period.  My Anal Chem teacher said that he thought some psych classes were difficult.  I think that’s hogwash.  They’re not difficult– they have you repeat what you’ve learned from rote.  And that’s simple.  Now, chemistry actually makes me apply my brain…

Serious butt-in-chair time.  This semester is going to require that.  And I will do it.  Period.  I am quite certain that this semester is going to shape into a beautiful creation– one where I actually spend the time on the materials that I need to spend time with…

Of course, I always say that at the beginning of a semester.  I’m pretty sure I have some friends who’ve called me on my positive attitude every semester.

And that’s an awesome reputation to have.