Life Doesn’t Stop
Posted: July 25, 2009 at 12:07 pmFrom Jul 25, 2009
And I suppose that’s a good thing. If life stopped for any of us, we’d all have a fair shot at the pause button and nothing would ever get done.
Amazingly, it continues, as I continue. I have continued to plod the ground in front of me, one foot in front of the other. And here I am, at this very present moment. Here. Now.
Reaching a goal is a wonderous thing. I’m not there yet, and honestly, until I get there– maybe even a few weeks after I’ve reached it, I will finally appreciate that the road I’ve come, with all of its massive roadblocks, with all of the difficulties I’ve whipped… I’ll finally be able to quit holding my breath. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing all this time. Holding it for the day that I can say, “I did it” whilst knowing that as long as I pushed forward, I would eventually get there.
Sadly, I feel like it’s such a wimpy accomplishment. Anyone can get their BA. Anyone at all. In the shadow of such magnificent hopes and dreams, I feel almost let down by my BA, sitting here quietly while the Medical School train leaves the boarding area, and I’m not on it. I suppose it’s somewhat similar to losing a dear friend. Everyone who has a mountain of goals may feel this way when they leave something in the dust to die.
Bittersweet are my emotions, though, because as sad as it is to go our separate ways, I know that this new path will provide for me the freedom to really do what I want. We are not here in this life to work. I know, it feels right to work, and work pays off immensely, but suddenly money isn’t in the forefront of my priorities. Nor is the prestige of being a doctor nor is… being taught how to prescribe pharmaceuticals. Somehow none of those things delight me any longer, and it’s by that measurement that I know that me and the MD/PhD program were really never as close as friends as I had thought.
It wasn’t a pipe dream to me. Along with the “it wasn’t arbitraries” and the glumness of passing up what was a perfectly lovely path for myself, I realize that sometimes we have to make the difficult decisions, not because of what other people desire, but for what *I* need from this experience. I am compassionate, and hopefully in return, there will be plenty of compassion dashed upon my own head, for the disappointments and new priorities, and everything I decide to do here.
At the same time, it’s not disappointment if I feel more amazing than I’ve felt in a millennium. I *know* that where I’m going is the right path for me, even if the map is faded and the lines haven’t entirely been drawn in yet. I *know* that giving myself the freedom to create something beautiful is going to be far more rewarding than any other dream I could present for myself. To create my life precisely as I wish it to be… all this has taught me is that I have a significantly greater amount of learning to do in this life than I had originally believed. And I’m not just okay with this, I embrace it. I want to know and learn and grow. I suppose to be honest with myself is to say that I don’t think that the MD/PhD route would have given me that opportunity. Instead of being closed into a box that allows for only Western medical treatment would have been a very sad place to be.
I want to use my imagination. I want to find healing and health and all of the wonderous pieces of this life puzzle that I can possibly reach in this short amount of time I will be here. And it IS rather short. Yet I’ve never felt that the task at hand was a daunting one. Rather than acting out of fear, this is bravery. It is so powerful that there’s nothing and no one that can alter the path but myself.
I feel like I’m eighteen again. Invincible. Yet, with a huge dose of humility and understanding. Fearless, yet less proud. I realize that there are many things I will do. And this, my friends, is one of them.
