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Here we are, looking for an answer… when really there never was a problem

From Jun 17, 2009

Honestly, I’m feeling rather peaceful at the moment.  I’ve taken so much time to come to terms with the things I’ve placed perfectly within my life that I’m now in a safe position to explore other things… like spirituality and philosophy.  Importantly, I’ve been giving myself a whole lot of room to think about what it is that I truly want from life.

Some things I have learned in only the last few weeks have been taken from Wayne Dyer’s version of the Tao te Ching, which is titled, ‘Change your Thoughts, Change your Life.’

Mind you, while I don’t wholly embrace the entire piece of work, I do find that there are several things that completely make sense.  For instance, discovering the art of allowing things and people to just BE.  This is very different from the pattern that we tend to follow within the Western culture. Here, we tend to strive to have a semblance of control over things, people, and what happens in our lives.  Instead of control, the Tao (Universe/god/fate/Mother Nature) tells us that we should be observers rather than directors.  Life happens perfectly without our assistance.

Another piece I’ve recently gained is the simple idea that we should resemble more the characteristics of water: humility (lowliness) and going with the flow.  Instead of puffing our egos upwards, we should be merciful and compassionate.  Instead of digging our heels in resistance, we should be calm and quiet.

Today, a particular item that struck a chord within me was the part where Dyer said (it’s an audio book) that wise men do not bite off huge chunks, they do not set major goals for themselves.  Instead, they move bit by bit, one foot in front of the other, giving themselves momentum instead of procrastination.  Instead of saying, “I’m going to medical school,”  I should have said, “I’m taking Organic Chemistry.”  I believe that a major part of my humbling experience of Changing My Mind About Med School comes from the place of tiring from a battle that was greater than me, one that left me exhausted and incapable of doing the things I _actually want_ to do.   I lost my momentum and grew exceedingly bored of the game, questioning (and thus throwing out) the very core of my life goals.

Now that I’ve come to this conclusion, I feel less compelled to immediately assert that I’ll be tackling my master’s at any one particular program.  I have one in mind, yes; but right now, I am finishing my bachelor’s degree.  That’s it.  Well, that and I’m being a parent and a full time employee and a life partner.  And between all those things, that is enough today.

The single greatest thing that led me to realize that my entire life’s direction was off course was the epiphany– that I was waiting to live.   If there was ever a true “sin” in life, it was that I had laid aside my personal needs for a time until  _after_ I was done accomplishing my goals.   Whether or not Changing My Mind was a step in the right direction, whether or not it was the Right Thing To Do… that is beside the point entirely (and it’s not like it’s something I couldn’t return to should I decide that’s what I want again).   The point is that I realized that NOW is the time to live.  I may not have any future opportunities.

In addition to coming to terms with my Change, I have recently had an eye-opening, brain-tweaking, reality-morphing change in perspective about life and the universe in general.  This particular epiphany came while finishing up reading Sophie’s World, which was assigned to us through our History & Systems of Psychology class.  At the very end of the book, the author talks about the Universe.  What factual information we (as a scientific community) have today is that a) the universe appears to mostly be made of much of the same elements and b) the universe appears to be expanding.  Considering the natural law of gravity, which no one has disproved yet, and which we’ve mastered to the point where we can fly in metal airplanes around the world in addition to being able to launch ourselves right out of the Earth’s atmosphere… well, it only makes sense that our world does in fact rotate around the sun, and that the other stars out there, complete with their own planetary bodies, etc., would be doing something at least the tiniest bit similar to that which our own solar system is doing.  And if we have all of these collections of stars and galaxies, which appear to be moving away from each other… well, it points to the idea that at one time there was an extraordinary explosion from one central point.   And in order to spit out that much mass at the rate that we’re currently moving… that implies one of two things:  A) The universe is constantly expanding from a central point and B) Eventually it’s a possibility that the universe might completely expand and  theoretically, using the force of gravity, contract and move back towards the center from whence it came.

Mind blowing, really, because if the universe were to collapse back upon itself, it would be faced with the same dilemma that originally caused the explosion/expulsion in the first place.  And all that IS would go back through the original means of creation/Big Bang, just as we did (at least) once before.

Now, this is all fine and brain dicing and stuff… especially because we certainly cannot have a capacity to understand anything on this sort of scale… hell, we have a difficult enough time considering our own individual impact on the tiny Earth we live on… let alone the scale of the expansion and collapse of the universe…

All of it leads me to question… if we are truly here, now… and we have confirmed to know that there is really a universe out there… that is moving… then we must ask ourselves, in the face of the eventual, inevitable DEATH of our planet, period: what is our purpose in worrying about the petty stuff today?!

The possibility of it begs me to question our purpose at all!  We are merely tiny, itty bitty creatures on this tiny, itty bitty, life-sustaining planet that we’ve named Earth.  When might only be the tiniest, perhaps nearly most insignificant fact in the reality of the entire scheme of existence.

Additionally, if there truly are as many stars out there as they say there are, it would be statistically impossible that only one planet in this universe could contain life.  The magnitude of this all makes me ask stupefying questions like, “Is there a God?” and “What the hell is our purpose, if any?”

Really, as much as an artist claims to see truth as it is, we shall (probably) never see our own purpose in the scheme on things.  Does an ant who hustles and bustles throughout the day see his purpose?  To an ant, his purpose is likely only to sustain the army.  Which it does, un-begrudgingly.  We think.

And what is our purpose?  I say it must be whatever we create it to be.  But what if it really IS all about the universe becoming aware of itself, much like many of the metaphysical thinkers would exclaim?  And if our existence is _all that awesome_ as it appears according to natural conclusion, regardless of how many other life-sustaining planets there are out there… does it really matter at all what, if anything, we do in our lifetimes?

Truly the mere suggestion that we have a history at all– let alone a history of violence and conquering… is laughable.  How insignificant.  The entire reality we have created is insignificant.  Useless.  Petty, and dramatic.

And yet, the cycle continues.  Whether we’re addressing the simple cycle of now, what we experience as monthly cycles, what we observe as near-century life cycles, if we’re talking about the massive cycle that Is Life… it isn’t changing.  It isn’t going anywhere.  It just Is.

I can’t believe we’re here.  Maybe we’re not.  And maybe there IS a God.  If there is, then I create it.  And it created me.  I’m just so confused!  What am I doing making this huge stink over things like “what I do with my life,”  really?!

Socially, I think I just went crazy a little.

Existentially, I think I made myself fail to exist for a moment, flickering in and out of reality.

Rationally, it doesn’t matter what I just did.  It, whatever ‘it’ is, continues.  Without my help.